Affliction
by MB Anderson
Summary: Jeff is alone and angry, he has no-one to love him and knows he won't for a long time. To deal with it all he turns to the method he knows best - cutting. Set in Dalton Academy. selfharm!Jeff & Niff.
1. Damage

_A/N: **TRIGGER**** WARNING** this story contains self harm/cutting. Do not read if it will trigger - Please PM me if you want to talk! :)  
__The characters in this story are taken from Glee. All storylines, characters and content not in Glee is my own and come from my own head, please do not steal. _ (Longer authors note at the end).

* * *

Jeff ran upstairs. He was angry, _so _angry. He'd been in another shouting match with his Father. They were arguing about something petty and stupid but Jeff didn't care. He hated that his Father would never admit he was wrong or that he'd made a mistake. Why did he make it out so that Jeff always looked like the bad guy?

Jeff stormed into his room, slamming the door loud and hard behind him, conveying his rage to his parents downstairs. He ran over to his desk and opened a compartment, inside lay pens, pencils, glue sticks, sticky notes and various stationary items. Jeff reached for the scissors. He opened the scissors as wide as they would go, grasping onto one of the blades whilst running the other gently over his wrist. He did this a few times, soaking in the cooling sensation of the blade on his hot skin. Suddenly, he dug the metal forcefully into him and dragged it horizontally across his wrist. Jeff cried out in pain, then sliced and sliced again. Jeff blinked away tears that had pooled in his eyes from frustration and looked down at his wrist.

"Arghh! Why can't I get any fucking blood!" The tears come thick and fast, but not the blood. That is what Jeff seeks when he cuts, he wants to see the blood run down his wrist, he wants to catch a vessel and watch helplessly as the blood spurts out of him. He got the scissors and pressed harder than ever, clenching his teeth as he ran the blade across his wrist. He used the point of the blade, desperate to reach blood but only pulling away skin, he wanted to bleed so hard he was hospitalised, then maybe someone would _care_. Someone would notice and realise what he'd been doing. Then he might get **help. **Jeff didn't want to die, he wanted to do damage.

Jeff had stopped slicing and was now concentrating on one cut getting deeper. He frantically dragged his scissors along the flesh, determined to make himself bleed. He wanted to see the red liquid ooze out of his wounds, bead on the surface and slowly trickle over his body. He was now using the blade like a saw, going back and forth over the cut, violently mutilating his arm.

Jeff was sat on the floor, his sleeve rolled up, his arm abusing his body with a blade. His long legs were sprawled out in front of him and his face was red, blotchy and slightly damp. Angry that he'd failed to draw blood, Jeff threw the scissors across the room and admired the stinging feeling of the cuts he had created. Though no blood, he had accomplished pain, and Jeff smiled at the thought. He stripped off his clothes and crawled into bed, the moonlight creeping around the curtains and the rain pouring down.

Monday approached quickly, and Jeff found himself walking along a corridor towards his next class. He was acting normally with his friends, chatting and enthusing about the weekend he'd had visiting his parents. He passed Nick in the corridor and the two boys smiled at each other. Every smile he had shown that day had been fake, even to Nick. He stroked the cuts along his wrist and was glad he at least had that to help him escape from the realization that he was alone, and would be for a very long time.

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_A/N: If you want me to continue this as a Niff fic, I will. It was intended as a short one shot, but I'm happy to continue. I struggle with self harm myself so to write about it is actually a nice escape for me.  
If you want to talk to me, please, please PM me or visit my tumblr: loki-frost or twitter: lokifrost :)  
Feedback is appreciated!_


	2. Danger

_A/N: As requested, I continued with the story, I hope you enjoy! This chapter is slightly random, but please read on nonetheless :)_

_**WARNING:** This chapter contains self-harm and could be **triggering**. Please don't read if you think you'll be affected. PM me if you want to talk! :)_

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Jeff was sat in a biology lesson, on an extremely uncomfortable wooden stool with his head resting on his arms that were folded across the desk in front of him. Despite the chilly room temperature and less than adequate sleeping conditions, Jeff had managed to nod off. He was just resting his brain for a few moments and went right under. He was trapped in a dreamless sleep, catching up on the rest he'd stolen away from himself last night, when he lay under his covers, cutting his wrist.

Jeff's teacher was looking at him strangely. They were completing a controlled conditions coursework write up and she hadn't seem him write very much at all. She walked over to the boy and gently placed her hand on his back, shaking him slightly. He groggily opened his eyes, and lifted his head, squinting at the burst of light shining on his face. Other members of the class were now looking at Jeff sympathetically, he'd missed nearly the whole lesson now, and was certain to get a bad grade if he hadn't completed the work.

"Jeff, are you feeling alright?" The teacher asked, a concerned look on her face. Jeff cleared his throat before replying,

"Um, I must've fallen asleep," he looked down at his paper and his heart beat increased, it was five minutes until the end of the lesson and he'd written only one paragraph, "Oh shit."

"Jeff, I'm going to late you stay for an hour after the lesson and finish your write-up okay? I won't do this again, so be grateful I'm letting you do this at all. This is your last attempt to salvage a good mark." The teacher murmured the words, but the eery silence meant most members of the class could hear the conversation anyway.

"Thank you Miss." Despite the embarrassing situation, Jeff wasn't blushing. In fact he looked very ill. His skin was pale and ghost-like, he had dark bags under his bloodshot eyes; he looked vaguely lifeless. His hair was ruffled and sticking up all over the place, not the normal smooth style he usually wore.

Under the table Jeff rubbed his fingers along the broken skin on his wrist. It was relaxing to feel the marks and bring back the stinging pain. He continued to do this until the rest of the class had filed out and his extra time began. He lifted his pen and scribbled down anything related to the topic that came to his brain. He kept getting distracted and loosing focus, thinking about his self-harm, his tiredness or Nick.

* * *

Jeff walked into the dinner hall with his satchel and queued up for whatever fine cuisine was being served. Once he'd collected his meal he dragged his feet over to the table filled with his friends. Wes, Kurt, Blaine, David and Trent all greeted him cheerily. Sebastian nodded his head in his direction and said,

"Hey sexy, why are you looking so grim?" Jeff rolled his eyes, Sebastian had a thing for calling him pet names.

"_Thanks_, Sebastian. You're looking good too." Jeff retorted back.

"No need to be sarcastic. I'm just asking a question. You do look awful." Jeff saw Wes nod slightly in agreement and sighed,

"Maybe it's none of your god damn business, so just fuck off Sebastian I don't wanna hear it." Jeff felt a hand rest on his forearm,

"Now, now Jeff, don't be grumpy." Nick sat down in the chair next to him and although he was being patronising, Jeff appreciated the company of his best friend.

A few minutes of meaningless conversation passed, Jeff not joining in, eating a few mouthfuls of food here and there, but mainly mushing the meal around his plate. Nick glanced at him a few times, giving him strange looks but Jeff noticed none of it. Nick shrugged it off and continued with his own meal.

Thad joined the table and directed a question at Jeff, all the boys listened,

"You alright now buddy? What happened in Biology? I saw Miss talking to you."

"Biology, what happened? Did you get in trouble?" Nick chimed in, he wasn't in Jeff's class so missed this mystery event.

"I fell asleep thats all. She let me have an extra hour for my coursework write-up." Jeff explained, hoping there'd be no more questions. Sebastian however, shot the boy a suspicious glare,

"What were you doing instead of sleeping last night then?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well if you'd have slept fine last night, you wouldn't have dozed off in class. You must have been doing something else right?" Sebastian winked at Jeff suggestively.

"Sebastian, the answer to your question is no, I wasn't out fucking whores all night like you do." Sebastian smirked and carried on eating his meal. There were a few confused looks thrown at Jeff.

"Could you not sleep well last night?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, something like that.." The boys gave up trying to get an answer from Jeff and all looked at each other, exchanging glances and mouthing 'Whats up with him?' to each other. Jeff knew what they were doing and abruptly stood up from his seat.

"I think I'll be going now."

The boys waited till he'd left sight and then they all burst out with remarks at once,

"Stressy much!"

"What is _up_ with him today?"

"You should've seen him in Biology, he was out nearly the _entire_ lesson."

"Maybe he's just exhausted from the studying?"

"He's probably just hormonal. He needs to have a wank."

"Sebastian! Thats gross."

"He's lost weight, you can tell."

"He looks lost. He's never really _there_ when you talk to him."

"Maybe it's PMS!" The boys laughed, and didn't realise the said boy was standing behind them. David spotted him first and quickly put his head down and kicked the other boys under the table.

"Sorry. I forgot my satchel." Jeff was seething. His eyes were alight with emotion and Nick desperately tried to resolve the situation,

"Jeff wait-" Jeff was already halfway out the room and shouted across to his so called best friend,

"Save it Nick!"

The boys at the table all looked at one another, unsure of what to do. Nick got up from his seat and gestured towards the door,

"I'll go find him."

"Thanks Nick." Trent said. Glad that it wasn't him who had to try and apologise to the distraught boy.

* * *

Jeff burst into the Dalton boys bathroom, the door smashed against the wall creating a loud crash. A few other students jumped in surprise at the intrusion and winced as the door slammed shut again. Jeff shot a look at himself in the mirror, tears were escaping his eyes and his face looked awful. He went into one of the cubicles and locked the door.

Jeff reached into this bag and found the craft knife he'd stolen from the teach department earlier in the day. He hadn't used this before, but was so wound up he forgot to be cautious. He sliced across his wrists, creating fresh new wounds. He hissed as his did so, already relieving himself of some of the anger he was feeling.

Five minutes passed and the bathroom was no empty, Jeff had created a nice sight on his wrist and decided to make one last cut, a little closer to his hand than the others. This area of his wrist was delicate and dangerous. A cut here could kill him. Jeff risked it anyway and pushed hard, wishing to draw more blood. When he was half-way across his wrist Jeff screamed out in pain, he'd hurt himself badly.

"Ahhh fuck, fuck, fuck. That fucking kills! What the fuck did I do?" Jeff glance at his wrist, it appeared relatively normal given the circumstances. Jeff concealed the knife inside his bag and stood up, putting his satchel on his shoulder. He began to roll down his shirt and blazer sleeve but paused when he saw a large amount of blood leaking from the cut he'd just made. Jeff quickly grabbed a wad of toilet roll and pushed his sleeve back down. He stuffed the toilet roll in between his shirt and wrist and left the bathroom.

Jeff was running up the stairs to his dorm room and he could feel his wrist throbbing, checking no-one was around first, Jeff stopped and rolled up his sleeve. His eyes bulged at the sight and his jaw dropped slightly. The blood wasn't stopping. It was coming thick and fast and had soaked right through to his blazer, staining his clothes red. Jeff panicked and sprinted to his dorm room. He searched for his key in his satchel, dropped it on the floor in his rush and then managed to stuff it into the lock. He clumsily entered the room, holding his bleeding arm with his uninjured one and clutching them both to his chest. He ran into the bathroom and saw Nick saw sat on the edge of his bed.

"Jeff! I've been looking for you everywhere! Jeff, what? Are you okay?"

Once in the bathroom Jeff locked the door and ripped off his blazer. He peeled off his shirt that was now sticking to his arm and shoved his wrist under the cold tap. The cool sensation helped reduce the pain, but that wasn't Jeff's problem. He liked the pain. He wanted to bleed so much he'd go to hospital, but right now he wasn't ready for that. He wasn't ready to tell Nick what he'd done and then have Nick rush him to the hospital. He couldn't face that at the moment, he was too scared.

"Jeff are you sick?" Jeff rolled his eyes, Nick had _no idea. _

"Jeff, _please let me in!" _

"No!"

Jeff looked at his wrist, there was less blood now. He pulled out from under the tap and sighed with relief. This was short lived however as the blood soon returned.

"Oh shit."

"JEFF! What's wrong?"

Jeff grabbed a wash cloth and shoved it under the tap, getting it damp, before wringing it out and applying it to the cut on his arm, pressing hard. He sat on the floor, leaning against the wall and raised his bleeding arm above his head, desperate to reduce the blood flow.

"JEFF! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

"I'm fine, leave me alone!" Jeff had no idea how he was going to explain this to Nick when he came out of their bathroom. Should he pretend he was sick? That he had a stomach bug? Whilst he pondered over excuses the bleeding reduced, the wound had began to clot. When he noticed this, Jeff sprayed some anti-septic onto the cut and had to bite his lip to stop himself groaning from the sting. Then he took a fluffy, white, giant cotton pad out of the first aid kit and pushed it onto his cut. He held this onto his arm and then secured it with bandage, also from the first aid kit.

Jeff hid his stained blazer and shirt at the bottom of the wash pile and threw on a long sleeved top he found instead. He unlocked the door and saw Nick waiting anxiously outside. Jeff stepped forward and wobbled slightly on his feet.

"Dude what's wrong, I was looking for you earlier, after you heard us talking about you at dinn- Jeff?" The tall blonde was swaying slightly on his feet, and looked as if he were about to throw up.

"Maybe you should sit do-woah!" Jeff collapsed and began to fall. Nick caught his body with his strong arms and attempted to help him back onto his feet again. "Seriously man, you're way taller than me!" Nick chuckled slightly and then his face dropped when he didn't get a response.

"Holy shit. Holy shit. What's happening? Has he fainted?" Nick shook Jeff slightly and then moved him so he had a better grip on him. Nick couldn't deal with Jeff's gangly legs flailing all over the place and decided to try and pick up the other boy. Nick scooped his arm under Jeff's legs, keeping the other under his back and lifted Jeff. He was surprised at how light his best friend was. He walked to the door and managed to open it with his elbow, he walked out into the corridor and shouted as loud as he could,

"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP PLEASE!" There was no reply.

"I'M NOT FUCKING JOKING! I HAVE AN UNCONSCIOUS PERSON IN MY FUCKING ARMS!" Doors lept open and other students cried out in concern, Blaine, Nick and Jeff's neighbour, came out of his room wearing just tracksuit bottoms and hurried over to Nick,

"Oh my god, what's wrong with him?"

"I don't know, can somebody just do something though!"

"Should we call an ambulance?"

A tall, lean boy with fierce grey eyes and chestnut hair strode towards the boys. He parted through the small crowd that had now appeared, took one glance at the boys and began ordering instructions. It was Eric, the prefect in charge of this section of dorms. He was the big brother to all the boys.

"Samuel, help Nick and Blaine get Jeff into the recovery position, I'm going to phone the main school and see what we need to do."

He ran down the stairs and held down 1, the main office of the school was programmed as the first speed dial on the phone in every dorm hall. He talked quickly to whoever answered and then talked with the nurse for a short while before hanging up and returning to the boys.

"The nurse is on her way, she said he probably just fainted, and that because he's still breathing he should be fine. She's going to check him over and then decide on what to do with Jeff."

Nick was holding Jeff's limp hand and Blaine was stroking his floppy, platinum hair. The other boys returned to their rooms, gossiping about the drama, whilst Nick, Blaine and Eric awaited the nurse. As she was climbing the stairs, Jeff stirred, he opened his eyes and then bolted upright quickly.

"Woah, lay back down Jeff!" Multiple pairs of hands pushed him back down, despite his protests. He tried to break free, he didn't feel good at all. Jeff felt his stomach churn and his breathing hitched. He grasped his stomach and threw up on the floor, some of it when down his top, some on the floor and some stayed in his mouth. Nick gasped and froze, unsure of what to do. Blaine ran into his room in search of a bowl. The nurse saw him throw up and approached a bit quicker.

This time, when Jeff tried to sit up they didn't stop him. Nick kept his hands on Jeff's waist the whole time though. Jeff began to retch again, Blaine appearing with a bowl just in time, as Jeff lurched over again and threw up rather violently. He was sick multiple times, but Jeff, Eric and Blaine sat there with him until he was done. The nurse took Jeff's temperature, asked Nick what had happened and announced he was just exhausted.

They all helped carry Jeff onto his bed, where Nick tucked him in. The nurse and Eric then left them alone and began to clear up the sick on the floor outside.

"Are you going to be okay Nick? I can crash in here with you if you want?" Blaine asked.

"No it's fine, I can handle him." He smiled at Blaine who left, the two best friends now on their own. Nick walked over to Jeff and took off his sick stained top. Jeff was still half awake so made sure he left his left arm under the covers so Nick wouldn't see the bandage. He rolled over in his bed getting comfy. He heard Nick get into his bed and Jeff thought back on the day.

His friends hated him, and were talking about him behind his back and laughing at him. He was secretly in love with Nick, and he just self harmed so badly he'd lost too much blood and fainted. Now he was on bed rest because the nurse had declared him 'exhausted'. Jeff sighed and chuckled inwardly to himself. They were all clueless, none of them had any fucking idea how messed up he really was.

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_I hope you enjoyed, I'll update with a new chapter soon. As you can tell Jeff is pretty messed up and needs some love, but thats what Nick is there for ;)_


	3. Destruction

_A/N: I can't apologise enough for how long it's taken me to continue with this story. I promise you, regular updates are now on the way. I was in a really busy period (eg. life - I'm kidding I had exams, which I did really well on, so it was worth the mini-hiatus), and then I went through a stage of writers block. But here it is, chapter 3. I've gone back to a bad mood in my life recently and this story really helps me escape and vent. _

_**TRIGGER WARNING: **Depressing thoughts and **self-harm** included. _

* * *

Gleaming sunlight peeked through the gaps behind the curtains and shone into the bedroom. Jeff's face was partly illuminated but he still looked pale and ghostlike. He stirred in his sleep and eventually woke up. He thought back on what had happened the day before and pulled his left arm out from under the covers, the bandage was still in place and small spots of blood had reached the surface.

The blonde pushed aside his bed sheets and stumbled carelessly into the grey and blue hued bathroom. He swung open the cabinet door, cringing at the noise as it bashed against the wall, then reached for the first aid kit. When he looked inside he saw, to his annoyance, there was no bandage left. Shrugging, he peeled off the current fixture to see if the bleeding had stopped from the day before. Luckily it had.

Jeff reached into the wash basket and pulled out the blood stained shirt he had buried yesterday, and threw it into the bin along with the old bandage. He had to be on his guard now, people were starting to get suspicious. With little else to do he completed his normal morning routine of showering, shaving and teeth cleaning before getting dressed and heading out the door. As he was in the doorway of his room, he quickly turned around and picked up the nearest hoody, not wanting his cuts to be seen.

Most of the other Dalton students were currently in lessons. Jeff on the other hand was on 'bed rest' which he didn't need as he wasn't suffering from exhaustion, but depression. Obviously no-one knew this except him, and he planned to keep it that way as long as possible. With no where to go and no-one to accompany him Jeff hopped into the big black SUV his Dad had bought him and drove. He drove for hours and hours concentrating on the traffic and the road, successfully taking his mind away from the haunted prison Dalton seemed to him.

Jeff pulled into the cliffside car park, unsurprised this was the place he'd subconsciously decided to visit. He clambered out of his car and slowly took the wooden steps down to the beach. It was a cloudy day but it didn't bother Jeff, those were his favourite kinds of day now, gloomy and dark to match his current outlook on life. The wind whipped at his hair and salty spray from the waves flicked onto his face, he breathed in deeply, appreciating the fresh air that explored his body. It was cold at the seaside and people were scarce, Jeff liked this time being alone. He felt like he could do anything he liked and not be judged by the world. He walked along the shingle, picking up a handful of stones as he went.

When he reached the sand, Jeff walked right up to the edge of the sea and threw a stone as far as he could,

"FUCK YOU NICK. MEANINGLESS PRICK." He then chose another stone, this one with a hole through the middle and again, threw it with all his might,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WALKED OUT ON US. YOU PATHETIC, WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. YOU WERE THE WORST MOM IN THE WORLD." At this outburst tears shone in Jeff's eyes, highlighting the beautiful blue colours that lay beneath the salty liquid.

"ARGH!" Jeff began frantically throwing the stones into the sea, enraged and oblivious. When he ran out of items to throw away, Jeff fell backwards into the sand and watched as the waves rolled onto the shore, over his sneakers and the bottom half of his jeans, then rolled back down towards the ocean. He laughed to himself, shaking his head,

_Just another thing in my life ruined. _

He took off his sodden trainers, and peeled off his disgusting socks - throwing them into the ocean. He was about to do the same to his trainers, but then decided against it.

_I'm not depressed enough to throw $50 worth of shoes away._

Instead he put up his hood, meandered back up the shingle and pulled himself up the worn wooden stairs. He unlocked his car and sank into the drivers seat, resting his head on the chair and looking down at the sea below. He felt in his jeans pocket and smiled, a blade. It was a small one that he'd taken from a sharpener he had dismantled; his researching on the internet had given him many new ideas as to how to self harm. He pulled the strip of metal from it's tight enclosure in his skinny jeans and ran the tip of his index finger along the sharp end, it stung slightly and a faint red line appeared. Jeff then moved the blade down to the edge of his palm, where he made 5 small cuts. He flexed his palm and felt the sting. He winced a little, but enjoyed the activity.

Jeff continued to make more small cuts and incisions on his hands, enjoying the new place he'd chosen to harm, change was always good. As there was little bleeding Jeff didn't need to be cautious about staining anything and so clamped his hands onto the wheel, and began to drive home.

* * *

Nick entered his room and saw Jeff snuggled in his bed reading.

"How was your day?"

"Crap. I've been stuck in here haven't I?" Nick looked down at his feet and rolled his eyes. So Jeff was in _this_ kind of mood.

"Well you aren't going to get any better if you run around outside all-"

"Get better? You've got to be fucking kidding me Nick. You don't even know whats wrong!"

"Whats that supposed to mean? You've got _exhaustion_, but you're acting like you've got I'm-an-asshole disease!" Nick laughed at his friends selfishness.

Jeff ignored him and pretended to read his book.

_He thinks he knows whats good for me. _

Nick shrugged off his blazer and threw it across his bed, rolled up the sleeves on his shirt and slipped off his shoes. He then reached down to get his satchel where he'd left it on the floor and saw on the opposite side of the room a pair of Jeff's converse, they were dirty and wet.

"Are you going to tell me what you actually did today?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you don't get wet trainers from bedrest?"

"Why is it any of your business? You're not my fucking Dad."

"It's my business because I'm your _best friend _Jeff."

"Yeah? Well you're not a very good one." Jeff hadn't looked away from his book.

"Fuck you Jeff. If you're going to be selfish, obnoxious and mean, then I don't want to be your best friend anymore! In fact, I don't even want to be your friend! And, just so you know, neither do any of the other boys! They're fed up with your attitude." Nick strode to the door, tore it open, walked out and then slammed it shut. Jeff jumped at the sound, and continued to stare at his book, a single tear rolling down his ashen cheek.

* * *

Jeff walked down towards the Warbler Hall in his red skinny jeans and black hoody, he was still ignoring his 'bed-rest' status and wanted to attend the choir meeting. Anything was better than sitting in that stuffy, poshly decorated room. He grabbed the brass handle of the large wooden door and pushed lightly, as he walked in, all heads in the room turned towards him, they recognised him instantly even underneath his hood, his sweeping platinum fringe gave him away.

"Jeff..thank you for joining us. I wasn't aware you'd be coming today.." Wes threw a few quizzical glances at his fellow council members who looked cluelessly back at him. Jeff nodded at Wes and sat at the back of the room on a wooden table, away from the main group. Many eyes were still following his every move, but the only person he looked at was Nick, who met him with a steely gaze. In return, Jeff offered his best 'I don't give a fuck' expression and put his hands in his pockets.

Wes continued with the meeting. When the time to practice came, David walked over to Jeff,

"We think it's best you sit out and watch for practice today. Given your...condition and all." Jeff sighed in response, he'd been expecting this.

"Ok."

David smiled at him, his look conveyed pity but also a hint of annoyance. Jeff frowned, he knew he wasn't the most popular of the Dalton student body at the moment, but to be treated rudely wasn't on Jeff's agenda.

_So they don't want me here? Am I not a member of the Warblers anymore? I better be, this is the only extra-curricular I have for my resume. Maybe I should look into other activities, the beloved 'rock stars' obviously don't want an 'emo' to ruin their reputation. If I left now, would anyone notice? Probably not. _

The boy in the corner quietly rose from his position and slipped out the side door into the computer room. He then left and went to the common room, where he turned on the TV and started playing video games.

About an hour later Blaine walked past the common room and paused. He took a few steps backward and changed his direction, heading for the plush sofa the rejected warbler was sat on. There was a slight frown on his face as Jeff shot dead anyone he could see on the game, but other than that he was expressionless. Blaine perched on the sofa next to his friend,

"I didn't think you were supposed to shoot the civilians?" Jeff looked at Blaine, then a few seconds later returned his stare to the screen again. Blaine didn't give up, "We noticed you left the Warbler meeting earlier."

"Yeah."

"Why'd you go?" Jeff paused his game, not wanting to forfeit his score in aid of this one-to-one with Blaine,

"I wasn't exactly made welcome." Jeff looked hard at Blaine, who began to feel a little intimidated by the blonde.

"We just didn't think you would come. I thought you were on bedre-"

"Maybe I don't wanna be on fucking bedrest Blaine! Maybe I'm not like you, Mr Goldenboy, who follows every order given to him and never puts a foot out of line." Blaine was slightly taken aback, what had happened to Jeff? He asked,

"Where did the happy, cheery, _fun to be around, _Jeff go? The one who would have tickle wars, infect a whole room with his upbeat mood, party hard, act childish and have a smile constantly plastered on his face? The one who, when he was sad, turned into an adorable bundle that just wanted hugs?"

"Well maybe he grew up, and realised that life isn't all 'peachy keen' and joyous. That sing songs and childish games weren't for him anymore. That when you think you have a group of caring friends, you realise you're alone and always will be, that being the 'fun' one isn't that easy anymore. Do you have someone Blaine, that will care about you, and love you no matter what?" Blaine faltered,

"Yes. I have Kurt, and my family, and you guys."

"Well I don't. I don't have _anyone. _There are 7 billion people on this planet Blaine, and not one of them gives a fuck about me. Call me selfish but all I want is a little love, everyone else has it, so why not me?"

"Jeff, you have your Dad! You have me."

"Please, I love my Dad, but that's my Dad. He _has to love me_. No matter how hard you try not to, you'll always love your son - that is forced upon you."

"What about me, Jeff?"

"You? Seriously Blaine? You're taken, you're happy and perfect; lead singer of the Warblers, constantly the centre of attention and trouble free. I'm the fucked up emo all on my own."

"Emo? What are you talking about?" Blaine was confused, all Jeff needed to do was drop the attitude, and apologise and his friends would be right by his side again.

"Don't worry. If anyone truly cared, they would have noticed." Jeff got up and walked out of the room, Blaine called after him,

"Notice what Jeff? NOTICE WHAT?"

* * *

_A/N: As you can see the title of this chapter is called 'Destruction' because Jeff destroys a few things including his body, his friendship with Nick and probably his mental stability as well. Sorry it's a short one. Next chapter - Flashback time! We get to see where and why, the self-harm came from. Spoiler: It involves Nick ;) _

_Tumblr: loki-frost_  
_Twitter: lokifrost_

_Feel free to contact me about** anything **through twitter, tumblr or the messaging on here. I'll listen to any of you, whatever you have to say. _

_As always, I love me some constructive criticism :)_


	4. Trigger

_**A/N:** This chapter is a flashback telling the story of the roots of Jeff's self harm. _

_**TRIGGER WARNING: Self Harm, also SEXUAL CONTENT. **_

* * *

_Jeff stumbled up to the bar and ordered another round of drinks. He waved over his friends who waltzed towards him from the dance floor. They were all pissed. They had used their fake ID's and barged into the hottest club of the moment to celebrate the end of the school year._

_They pushed their arms upwards and clinked each others glasses, _

_"TO THE FUCKING AWESOME SUMMER WE'RE GUNNA HAVE!" _

_Jeff put the cold glass to his lips and began to drink, occasionally slopping alcohol down his t-shirt. When they had finished their drinks the group of boys marched back onto the dance floor, grinding and squirming with other underage horny teenagers. The music pumped and the lights pulsated, Nick peeled off the girl who was groping him and headed outside where he proceeded to lean against a wall and sink to the floor. Around him people were bent over double throwing up and stood in clustered groups smoking._

_Jeff saw his friend leave and followed him out,_

_"You okay my man?" he asked,_

_"Just feeling a little dizzy s'allll. I'm fucking bladdered Jeffy!"_

_"We all are! C'mon you're missing out on all the fun."_

_The two best friends headed back inside and were pushed around by dancers and beer drinkers. The lights were now on laser mode, limiting vision in the club. Nick and Jeff danced with each for a while until Nick began to get gropey. He wound his arms around Jeff's neck and started whispering nonsense into his ear, then started gyrating his hips and licking Jeff's face. Jeff chuckled, and he too began to thrust his hips into Nicks. The two drunk warblers stayed like this until all the lights went off. A few girls shrieked and giggled, most people carried on dancing. Nick on the other hand, grabbed Jeff's head and brought it towards his, then kissed his best friend hard and fast. The lights flicked back on and the boys tore apart. Jeff grabbed Nicks hand and pulled him towards the toilets where they ran into a cubicle and slammed shut the door._

_Nick shoved Jeff against the wall, pinning his arms above his head and shoving his tongue into the other boys mouth. They kissed each other furiously, their groans being mixed in with other couples who were noisily having sex in the cubicles. Jeff smiled when he felt Nick's erection digging into his thigh, they both looked down and then Nick ground his hard cock into Jeff's crotch, eliciting a loud gasp from the boy._

_Nick went onto his knees and unzipped Jeff's skinny jeans, pulling them down to reveal the slim black boxers that were covering his large erection. In one swift move Nick had his best friends boxers around his thighs and quickly began to suck Jeff off. His head bobbed up and down Jeff's length, one of his hands was scratching on Jeff's hip and the other was massaging his friends balls. Jeff's hips bucked forwards. Nick tasted the salty pre-come leaking from Jeff's cock and hummed with delight, pushing Jeff over the edge. He fucked Nicks mouth and came hard, experiencing the best orgasm he'd ever had._

_"Ohmygod Nick. That mouth is good at more things than just singing!"_

_Nick stood up and ran out of the cubicle, glancing back at Jeff and winking over his shoulder. Jeff took a few deep breaths and redressed himself, even though they there were both drunk, he knew neither of them would ever forget this._

How could you possibly forget sucking off your best friend?

* * *

_The next day, Jeff found out how. He awoke in his bed and sat bolt upright. He looked around him and muddled through his scrambled brain to remember what had happened the night before. _

Lots of drinking, dancing, bright lights and one awesome blowjob.

_Jeff smirked. Who ever had deflowered the virgin warbler was awesome at sex. He went into the family bathroom and squinted at the brightness that was reflecting off the white tiles. When his eyes adjusted to daylight Jeff looked into the mirror. He didn't look as bad as he'd been expecting, and he hadn't thrown up at all. Weird. He quickly hopped in the shower, rinsing off the layer of dirt from the day before, and clearing his head for the day. As he lathered up his shampoo, Jeff began to wonder, who was the person who had fucked him in the club? He couldn't remember any specific girl from that night, so who could it have been? _

_When he was done, he walked into his room, towel around his waist and droplets of water flicking off of his platinum hair. He began to get dressed in his favourite skinny jeans and black t shirt, when his phone rang. He saw it was Nick that was ringing and Jeff answered,_

_"Hi Jeff, please tell me you have my wallet." Nick's voice was husky and coarse from the rough night they'd all had. Jeff heard the voice and his fingers clung onto his phone tightly. His breathing hastened and he began to panic slightly. It was Nick who had blown him off the night before. _

_"Holy..."_

_"Hey are you alright? I can wait if you wanna go and throw up, it was a heavy night last night." Jeff cleared his throat,_

_"No, no. I'm fine. Urh, your wallet, hang on, lemme just check," Jeff picked up his trousers that had been discarded on the floor last night and fished around in the pockets. "Yeah I have your wallet, do you wanna swing by and pick it up later?"_

_"Yeah, thanks dude. See you soon!" Nick hung up the phone. Jeff nimbly pushed the red button on his smartphone and lowered himself into a sitting position on his bed. _

Did Nick remember anything? He sounded very relaxed on the phone. Where did he even end up last night?

_Jeff barely remembered stumbling out of the club and climbing into an awaiting taxi. He mumbled the address and before he knew it he was wrapped around his Dad's shoulders, who was helping him into bed._

_Jeff shook his head, _I guess I'll just find out later when I talk to Nick. _He finished getting dressed and then walked downstairs where he greeted his Dad. _

_"Morning!" _

_"Ha! More like afternoon! You're in trouble Jeff. Fake ID's?"_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Well how else would you have gotten so drunk?" Jeff hung his head in resignation. "Have you been violently sick this morning?" _

_"Surprisingly, no."_

_"Lucky bastard, I was hoping you would have, then that would at least discourage you to go and get so drunk again - and a hangover is the perfect punishment."_

_"If it's any consolation, I'm not exactly feeling 100% this morning." Jeff was torn inside, he was happy because he'd had sex, albeit oral, but he final had the big V swiped off his forehead. On the other hand, it was drunk sex, with his best friend! Who was a guy. Did this make him gay now? Jeff didn't know. At least he had all summer to sort himself out before the new term began. _

_"Are you okay though?" His Dad was concerned._

_"Yes, I'm fine. I'm here in one piece, and I promise this won't happen again."_

_"Thanks Jeff. I don't like seeing you so incapable I'm having to help you walk."_

_Jeff smiled at his Dad; the most important person in his life, his younger sister coming in second and then Nick after that. _

_For the next couple of hours Jeff took it easy, he didn't want to push his luck and stir up his stomach too much. He watched dvd's and nibbled on crackers, limiting movement and intake. The most exciting part of his day was when Nick rapped on the door._

_"I'VE GOT IT."_

_He opened the door and hugged Nick,_

_"Hey man! How you doing?"_

_"Not bad. Wasn't too good when I got home, I had my head in the toilet for half an hour! Thats what my Mum told me anyway."_

_"Yeah, thats the aftermath of drinking to oblivion. Come upstairs, I've got your wallet."_

_The two boys lumbered up the stairs and into Jeff's room, which Nick was familiar with. He closed the door behind him and sat down on his friends bed._

_"So..this morning I woke up in some random girls apartment."_

_"What?"_

_"I talked to her briefly this morning, but you don't exactly have to be a genius to work out what happened there. Even if I don't remember it..."_

_"You had sex with a stranger!?"_

_"Keep your voice down! I don't want your Dad to hear and start pestering you. My Mum's been all over me. She knows I didn't come home last night and keeps banging on at me about it."_

_"Whats she been saying?" Jeff tried to act casual. It was difficult, Nick, who had sucked off Jeff in the club, had also gone home with some random girl he didn't know, and slept with her. And Jeff still had the vital question burning in his mind; did Nick remember their sex?_

_"She knows I had sex, and she was more worried about the girl than me. She asked me if I used a condom, if I'd been robbed, if I'd taken advantage of the girl."_

_"Did you do any of those things?" Jeff wasn't sure he wanted to know the answers, he was beginning to feel a little queasy._

_"I don't remember, but the girl in question said she was fine this morning and that we'd done everything right."_

_"And you believed her!?"_

_"Well yeah. She's the only person who knows! I swear I hardly remember anything last night."_

_"Do you remember anything from the club?" Jeff listened carefully to the response,_

_"Yeah, you know, I remember flashes of dancing and drinking. And something in the toilets... I was probably just throwing up." Jeff winced, Nick didn't remember._

_"You get really clingy when you're drunk did you know that?"_

_"No, what am I like?" Nick had a small smile on his face, clearly amused at the actions he'd performed, but couldn't remember doing._

_"Super touchy-feely. Probably why you ended up going home with a stranger." Jeff joked, _

_"I didn't do anything to any of you guys did I?" Jeff hesitated, was he supposed to say the truth? No, Nick would never believe him, and then he'd think Jeff was obsessing over him. No, safer not to tell, keep it in the past and all that,_

_"No."_

_"Good, that would have been embarrassing!" Jeff let out a small laugh to cover up the anguish he was feeling inside. "I'd love to stay, but I think my Mum might kill me if I'm not back in the next ten minutes. I'm probably grounded for the rest of summer anyway."_

_"Yeah, well see you around, text me!" Nick left the room, leaving Jeff alone on his own, thinking and wondering about what the fuck he was going to do._

* * *

_Although he tried to get over it, Jeff couldn't get the incident off his mind. He thought that he didn't like Nick in that way, but over the course of the summer he realised he did. He realised all this time Nick was perfect, and amazing, and everything Jeff would ever need to be happy. He was in love. It wasn't simple, happy love. It was depressed, unrequited love. Jeff had fallen for the person that would be hardest to get. Nick Duval. He became angry and irritable, answering back to his Dad and acting moody, as if every little thing that didn't go right was another thing to add to the list of things wrong with his life. Fight after fight, Jeff pushed himself to a boundary he didn't even know existed. Until he passed it._

_He would remember his whole life the first time he did it. The first time he took a pair of scissors to that beautiful skin._

* * *

_**A/N:**__ So you may have heard about the 'purging' of fanfictions due to their sexual content. Obviously, I am risking the deletion of my profile by posting this chapter as I'm not sure of the rules/how much detail you can go into. Despite these stupid rules I'm still going to continue writing this story. **In case my profile gets deleted I suggest you all check out my other links and make a note if you want to be able to find this fic in the future** (: Thank you, and sorry for the inconvenience! _

_Livejournal: .com  
__Tumblr: loki-frost  
__Twitter: lokifrost_


	5. Discovery

_**A/N:** It's finally here! Chapter 5 is with us and I can do nothing but apologise for the ridiculous time it has taken me to upload this. There will be a longer authors note at the end, as I don't want to delay you any further._  
_Last chapter saw us exploring the roots of Jeff's self-harm and that night in the club he had with Nick, who didn't remember anything the next day. _

_**WARNING: SELF-HARM could trigger!**_

* * *

The past few months had taken their toll on Jeff and people were noticing. Gone was the platinum-haired fun lover, replaced by a sullen, pale boy with an aggressive attitude. Word had gotten out about his fights with Nick and Blaine and his general decline from popularity. Students in the lower years who used to look up to the crazy party-goer now avoided his gaze in the corridor, everywhere he went, there was a five meter radius between him and the next person. In the lunch hall he ate alone and in the common room no-one picked up the second controller when he was playing video games. The only good thing remaining, which Jeff considered as a stroke of luck, was that he still shared a room with Nick. His former best friend had not been able to move in with Wes as he'd planned.

'Complications.' The student advisor had said. 'Not possible.'

Jeff tried to kick-start their friendship again but Nick would have none of it. He kept his earphones in at all times, even if he wasn't listening to music, and rose early so that he could shower and leave the room before Jeff even woke. Except one day everything changed.

* * *

Jeff rolled over in his bed, unable to sleep. He could hear Nick's deep breathing from across the room and knew he would be undisturbed. Fumbling in the dark he stuck his arm out of the duvet cocoon he was currently trapped in and reached for the blade he kept on his bedside table. He held the strip of metal between his finger and thumb, appreciating the cool feel of the blade. Then he quickly struck the blade across his wrist, repeating this as many times as he could, his arm tingling. He dropped the blade on the floor and revelled in the pain for a minute, before grabbing his iphone off the bedside table and illuminating the cuts on his arms. Blood rolled in beads down his delicate wrist, leaving behind red streaks that he smeared across his arm. He became fascinated with one particular cut which had gone deeper than the rest, staring at the blood which was pooling on the surface. Jeff grabbed a tissue to clean his arm but fell asleep with the blood still dripping.

The next morning Nick woke to his early alarm. He stretched out his arms and his legs and then heaved himself out of bed. Something felt strange, as if there was another presence in the room other than himself or Jeff. He looked over his shoulder and saw the blonde curled up asleep. He tried to shake it off, but couldn't help thinking something was different. He blamed it on fatigue and walked over to his chest of drawers and picked up the gym bag he had prepared the night before. He slung it over his shoulder and made to leave the room. However as he walked past his roommates bed he couldn't help but notice a flash of colour amidst the grey tones of the blacked out room. Nick's eyes lingered on Jeff and he crept closer and closer to the other boy until he was leaning over Jeff's sleeping body. Nick stared at his former best-friend's arm for a few minutes, before leaving the room and heading down to the gym, the image of the slit wrists and bloodied duvet staying with him.

* * *

A slight smell of sweat filled the air with the sound of thudding trainers, muffled music and heavy breaths. Nick was currently on the treadmill, working to improve his endurance when a familiar voice interrupted his peace,

"Morning Nick!"

"Hiya David, how are you?" Nick replied to his friend and pulled out one of his headphones.

"Not bad, not bad. Just about managed to drag myself out of bed this morning, the only thing that got me in here was the thought of how unfit I am ahead of lacrosse try-outs next week. What about you, still avoiding Jeff?"

"Yeah, but it's doing me good actually, means more time in the gym, right? I can start to tone up my six pack again. I was beginning to look a little flabby."

"Nick, flabby? Never!" David winked at his friend as he set-up the treadmill next to him. "Any progress in the 'Jeff case' recently?"

Nick faltered,

"Urm, No. Nothing really. He's as grumpy as ever."

"Shame, I was hoping he might come around again...don't tell any of the other guys this, they'll shoot me, but I actually kind of miss him."

"We all do David. You wanna spot me later? I need to do some weights."

"Sure."

Nick walked towards the rowing machine whilst David began to run. David was unsure why Nick had changed the conversation so abruptly, recently he'd been taking any opportunity he could to bitch about how frustrating living with Jeff was.

Thoughts on the other side of the gym were a little different, Nick was turning all the cogs in his head faster than ever, thinking of reasons for Jeff's mutilated wrist, and ways to go about dealing with what he'd discovered. He wasn't one to sit and ponder about situations for a long time, so decided that night he would confront Jeff.

* * *

Jeff was sat at his desk in the empty room, he may as well have been boarding on his own, he saw so little of Nick. The loneliness had affected Jeff and he was taking it out on his body. Unable to concentrate Jeff decided to change out of his uniform for the evening and into something more comfortable. He pulled some black skinny jeans out of his drawers and changed into them. He dropped his blazer onto the floor and unbuttoned his shirt, his skinny fingers trembling as he did so. He was rummaging in his closet for a long-sleeved grey top when he heard the door click open. He pulled his top out quickly and draped it across his arm, covering up the red marks.

Nick stared at a half naked Jeff, his mouth agape,

"When was the last time you ate?!" Each of Jeff's ribs could clearly be seen against his ivory skin, his hipbones stuck out and there was no extra fat anywhere on his torso.

"Why do you care?" Jeff's voice had an accusatory tone.

_I may have shrunk my portions slightly..._

Jeff turned away, the top still slung over his arm and began to tidy his discarded uniform, busying himself until Nick left and he could finish changing.

"Are you gunna put that top on?" Jeff ignored the quips coming from Nicks direction and began folding his uniform and placing it in his closet.

_Why is he bothering me so much? He's been ignoring me for weeks._

Nick was bored of playing around and when Jeff turned away Nick darted forward and tore the grey top from it's position dangling over Jeff's scars, causing the blonde to swiftly turn around and try to grab it back. When he realised his arms were bare he hastily tucked them into his jean pockets, wrists facing away from Nick, looking inappropriately casual in the situation.

"Are you going to give me that back?" He asked, impatient with Nick's nuisance.

All Nick did in response was step forward and grab hold of Jeff's arm, pulling it of Jeff's jean pocket.

"What the fu-" Jeff began to talk, but his words soon vanished.

Nick turned Jeff's arm, so his palm and wrist were facing upward, giving him full view of his best friend's destroyed arm. An involuntary gasp left his mouth and he felt sick. It all looked a lot worse in daylight. Neat cuts went up the wrist to the forearm and stopped just before the elbow join. Most of the cuts were shock-red, thin lines but a few were wider and deeper. Jeff ripped his arm from Nick's grip, and took back his top, which he quickly put back on. He made eye contact with Nick and they stared at each other for a few moments, before Jeff grabbed his phone and car keys from his blazer pocket and left the dorm.

Jeff stormed down the hall and his cheeks reddened with rage. Who was Nick to do that to him? He fastened his pace and took the stairs down to the main halls two at a time. No more than thirty seconds later, he heard shouting,

"JEFF WAIT! Where are you going?" Jeff sighed and twirled round at the bottom of the stairs and looked at an approaching Nick, he shouted whilst still walking backwards,

"AS FAR AS FUCKING POSSIBLE AS I CAN GET AWAY FROM HERE." And with that, Jeff turned on his heel, shoved open the hall doors and left Dalton.

* * *

_**A/N: **You may or may not know, but I am in a crucial year with my education so am being bombarded with exams. This isn't really a good enough excuse for not posting, but this story will continue. I have a break in my exams for a couple of months so many more chapters will be posted. As you are reading this right now I am already writing the next chapter. Sorry this one was so short but the next one should be up tonight (UK time - 20:00). I just felt this was where this chapter needed to end._

_Please, please, please contact me if you self-harm and need to talk, I've been there/am there and know how you feel. My old tumblr doesn't exist so private message me on this site and then we can email, or give me your twitter name and we can direct message each other. My twitter name is lokifrost, but my profile is on private so I won't accept your folllow request unless you've told me your twitter handle._

_Thanks for reading, _

_MB Anderson_


	6. Escape

_**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: Self-harm theme, suicidal thoughts, depression. Don't read if you may be triggered! (No self-harm in this chapter).**_

* * *

Jeff didn't know where he was going, he just knew he had to get away. One of his biggest secrets had just been discovered, by none other than his best friend...or former best friend. Jeff leaped into his car and left Dalton grounds. In his current predicament Jeff only knew one thing for sure. There was no way he was going to talk to Nick about this now. Jeff headed for the city, desperate to find a place to escape to. He roamed around the streets in his car and then pulled into the car park of a gay bar and pushed open the door.

He was asked for ID at which he flashed the fake one he'd used last summer. The doorman looked suspicious but let him in anyway. Once inside Jeff was amidst thunderous bass music, strobe lighting and plenty of drink. He sat at the bar and made his order. Whilst the barman made his drink Jeff got out his wallet to pay. When the barman came back however he waved his hand at Jeff and said,

'From the guy across the bar.'

Upon hearing these words Jeff felt slightly elated. Never before had someone deemed him attractive enough to pay for his drink. He didn't care if the person who'd paid just wanted him in bed, Jeff appreciated the gesture nonetheless. He looked up and across the bar to see who'd paid for his drink. A tall man with brunette hair and brooding eyes stared back at him, his skin was slightly tanned and he had a very fit body. Jeff thought of his own scruffy appearance, a boring grey shirt he'd grabbed out of his closet, tired eyes, a withered body and a swooping fringe which he liked to hide behind.

Jeff, puzzled as he was for the attention from a man who could have picked up any guy in the club, allowed the mystery man to approach him. The least Jeff could do was thank him for the drink.

"I'm Chace."

"Thanks for the drink Chace, I'm Jeff. Urr, why me?" Jeff felt awkward asking this but his curiosity had gotten the better of him.

"You're hot and damaged. I can see it in your eyes. No one fucks better than an angry person."

"You're right about the damaged part, but how do you know I'm angry?"

"I've been on the gay scene long enough to know an angry teen gay when I see one. You're upset right? Probably want to talk about how hard your life is and how horrible it is being in the closet?"

Jeff didn't appreciate the mocking and patronising tone Chace was using, he must have been at least five years older than Jeff, but that didn't mean Jeff was a baby. Even if what he was saying had a hint of truth.

"Stop talking bullshit, I just want to get wasted and be fucked by the hot guy I'm talking to. Sound good?" Jeff waited for a reply,

"Sounds good." Chace said, smirking as he ordered them some more drinks.

* * *

At Dalton Nick was regretting what he'd done. There were many ways to go about a subject like this, and he'd certainly done it all wrong. At least he knew it was definitely true and he hadn't been having hallucinations the morning he found Jeff's blood stained arm.

Nick thought Jeff might have driven down to the beach, although it was nearly three hours away, he knew how much time Jeff had been spending down there recently. Nick seemed settled on this idea until he caught sight of the time on his alarm clock, it was nearly 8:00pm and mid winter, he wouldn't have gone down to the beach this late. Nick was helpless as for what to do now, he'd irritated Jeff and driven him to run away somewhere. He decided to send a quick text to Jeff, just to remind him that he was still here, and still his best friend.

'_We need to talk, you can't avoid me forever, I'm your best friend. I'm sorry for what I did earlier. Please don't do anything reckless.'_

It was brief and to the point, and Nick hoped Jeff would come back to Dalton soon.

* * *

Jeff was with Chace in the back of a taxi and they were making out heatedly. They'd spent the evening dancing and drinking together and now they were on their way back to Chace's apartment on the outskirts of Westerville. Chace moaned as Jeff cupped him through his pants, both boys drunk, and neither one of them thinking straight.

The taxi driver ignored them but stepped on the accelerator a little, he didn't want them to forget where they were and start having sex in the taxi. When they reached Chace's apartment it was hard for the two of them tear apart from each other. As soon as Chace had shut the front door behind them Jeff had ripped off his leather jacket, discarded it on the floor and pushed the other man against the wall, grinding his crotch and plunging his tongue down Chace's mouth. Chace picked up Jeff, who wrapped his legs around Chace's waist and was carried into the bedroom. They fell back onto the bed, furiously pulling at each others hair and desperately sucking on each others necks. Soon Jeff was laid on the bed, his legs over Chace's shoulders, while the other man fucked him fast. Distinct moans drifted out of the bedroom window which was cracked open. During this night Jeff didn't have a single thought about one Nick Duval, who was laid in his bed at Dalton, not able to sleep.

* * *

The next morning Jeff had risen early. At 6:00am he crept out of Chace's house and into the back of a taxi he'd called previously. He directed the driver to the gay bar Jeff had visited the night before and once there paid his fare before clambering into his own car and beginning the long drive back to Dalton. He drove in complete silence, trying not to aggravate his body too much after a night of heavy drinking. It had just gone 8am when Jeff opened the room to his dorm. He was hoping he would just be able to collapse on his bed and sleep, but with Nick around that was never going to happen.

"Jeff, where have you been? I was really worried." Nick exclaimed, desperate for an answer. He'd gotten two, maybe three hours of sleep and had been pacing in their room ever since.

"Out." Came Jeff's reply.

"Out? Is that all you're going to tell me?" Nick asked. He wasn't satisfied.

"Since when was it your right to know?"

"Since I found out that you slit you-"

"Shutup! Shutup! Shutup!" Jeff had his hands clamped over his ears, not wanting to hear the rest of Nick's sentence. Not wanting to hear the disgust in Nick's voice. Not wanting to see the man he loved look at him with loathing. Jeff didn't know how to get away from Nick so turned and ran back out the door he had just entered. This time though, Nick wasn't letting him get away.

"Jeff, you know you can't avoid me!"

Jeff broke into a run and sprinted down the stairs, past the common room and out of the hall doors. He ran through the Dalton gardens and around the extensive grounds until he was behind a sports store cupboard. When he was certain Nick wasn't still following him he walked around his surroundings silently. He could a faint murmur of voices coming from around the other side of the small building. Slowly and quietly Jeff approached the noise, not wanting to be seen. What he discovered though was just some Dalton students in the year above him smoking. They were chatting in low voices, leaning against the walls and perching on a few benches they must have stolen from the gardens. Jeff cleared his throat to make them aware of his presence. They glanced over at him and immediately stiffened,

"Oh urm, I'm not going to tell anyone you're here. I just stumbled across you guys." Jeff explained, not wanting to cause any trouble.

"Oh don't worry. If you tell anyone we're here, we'll just tell of how you keep sneaking out past curfew." One of the boys winked at him and took a drag of his cigarette. Jeff choked on his words a little,

"W-wait. How do you know who...I am?"

"We recognise many students; especially when they have shock blonde hair." Jeff allowed his lips to curve a little and a couple of laughs sounded from the group, "And it doesn't help that your weird behaviour has generated a lot of gossip around Dalton lately. You used to be quite a sociable guy, and now you seem to have dropped off the radar somewhat." Jeff's small smile dropped at the reminder of his current social situation.

"Yeah. Couldn't be helped, just a few issues..." his sentence trailed off. Jeff didn't really know what he'd gotten himself into or how he was even supposed to explain it to anyone else. The other boys nodded and began to continue their conversation as if Jeff hadn't interrupted. A few of them stared hard at Jeff, curious has to what his real story was, but soon returned their gaze to their friends and carried on smoking. Jeff took a seat on a bench a few metres away from the group of older boys and let his thoughts take over his brain.

He hadn't talked to Nick in weeks and now the boy knew how stupid and vulnerable he really was. Just being around Nick when he knew such a thing would be uncomfortable and strange. He didn't want to talk to about it with anyone, he didn't even feel like cutting, he just felt trapped and needed to escape. He didn't like to be boxed in with no other options, he wanted to choose what he was going to do, and analyse exactly what the best plan of action would be right now. Jeff sighed and reprimanded himself, because how could he have been so _careless?_ It was his own actions that had gotten himself into this mess, he should have known better than to leave his arm dangling for Nick to see. Jeff growled a little, angry at his carelessness and tipped his head back, staring into the sky. Why? Why was everything so complex?

* * *

Nick growled and stopped in his tracks. He'd reached a cross-roads in the hallway and had no idea which way Jeff had gone. Furious for losing the boy again, after seeing him for only a few fleeting moments, Nick clenched his fists and trudged to the cafeteria for breakfast. He couldn't help but scan the room for Jeff when he entered, even though he knew the boy would never be in there. He didn't sit at their table anymore with the other boys, and didn't really talk to anyone. A brief thought crossed Nicks mind,

_When had he been eating? He never comes in here for food. Maybe thats what he does when he goes out all the time. Perhaps he has a stash of snacks under his bed..._

Still consumed in his thoughts he automatically went over to the warbler table and sat with his friends. He stuffed the food he'd picked up on his way over into his mouth, not looking, or caring as to what it was.

"Nick, you alright? You're quiet this morning." Thad said, breaking the conversation Sebastian was having with Wes about fake ID's. Nick nodded his head slowly as he finished his mouthful of food,

"Yeah yeah, just tired. I didn't sleep much last night."

"Oh. Was Jeff bothering you? Man, he's turning into a real dick." Nick fumed slightly at the accusation. A few days ago he would have happily put the blame onto Jeff, but Jeff wasn't even in his room last night to cause him any bother. Although, he had still kept Nick from sleeping...

"No Thad. Jeff was not bothering me. Just give him a break alright. What did he do to you anyway?" Thad pointed his fork towards Nick and pulled an 'isn't-it-obvious?' face,

"Urr he picked fights with everyone, slumped around, was generally grumpy and mean..."

"Yes, but he didn't directly attack you did he, so I suggest you drop it." Nick shoved his chair back and walked out of the cafeteria, leaving Thad and the other boys to consider his threat.

Nick was pissed. They didn't know what was wrong with his best friend. Even he didn't know the full story of Jeff's unhappiness. But he knew that the boy was hurting for one reason for another, and whatever the cause it was bad enough for the blonde to take it out on himself and harm his own body. This time around, when Nick approached Jeff, he was going to stay in control and finally get some answers.

* * *

Jeff skipped first and second period, instead choosing to hang out with the stoners he'd met earlier that morning. One of the boys even hooked him up with some weed, telling him it would 'take the edge off' and that he 'looked like he needed it'. Jeff didn't complain and missed maths and english that day. He rolled into geography, slightly hazy and was thankful Nick wasn't in this lesson with him. His teacher didn't turn up for 20 minutes and whilst the rest of the class talked amongst themselves, Jeff hunched over onto the table and left himself to his own thoughts. His mind travelled down the same track, the paranoia and self-loathing seeping into his brain. He used to ask himself if life would always be like this, but now he had accepted that he was alone. Jealousy overtook as Jeff heard other boys talking about their families, their weekends, their girlfriends, the fun activities they'd been doing and the inside jokes they had with their friends. He became angry at himself that he couldn't have this and then began to blame himself.

_It's all your own fault you know. If you weren't so pathetic and annoying, you might actually have some friends and some kind of life. Somebody who actually cared about you, wanted to be around you, and enjoyed talking to you. You would be happy, carefree and wouldn't sit here and marinate in your depressed state of mind. But that will never happen. I can only be myself, right? And if nobody likes that, maybe I should just end it all. It's too hard, and too painful to be lonely for this long, to not feel any hope._

Jeff felt his eyes wet slightly. That could be the answer he was looking for, that could be the end to it all.

* * *

_**A/N:** _

_In case you didn't realise, at the end of this chapter Jeff is having suicidal thoughts. It's something I wanted to explore and although self-harm is different to suicide, depression can lead onto suicidal thoughts/suicide. This is a theme which will be shown in greater detail over the next few chapters. _

_I originally intended for this chapter to be longer, but I wanted to end it here on a cliff-hanger of sorts. In future I will be posting the authors note (except for trigger warnings) at the end of each chapter so that I don't keep you from the story as I personally find it quite distracting. _

_I have set up a new tumblr account for my fanfiction which you can find here: .com_  
_On here I will post snippets, updates and sneak peeks about upcoming chapters so if you want to stay in the loop or have any questions, I would definitely check that out! Of course I do reblog general fandom things too. _

_As usual if you want to talk you can find all my links in my bio, or drop an ask on my tumblr. __Thank you for sticking with this and for the favourites/follows/reviews - I REALLY appreciate it. _I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please read-and-review! 


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